A quiz

I need to be told in words. I can’t believe in a friendship, a love, an affection unless I hear it. Unless I can ask and be told yes. It’s not necessarily better or worse than being any other way, but it means that if I care about someone but they can’t or won’t reciprocate in words I am eaten away by doubt and misery.

So why, given this, do I tend to place great chunks of my battered heart in the hands of men who just do not communicate this way? Who don’t believe in trying to verbalise elusive emotions, or are afraid of direct questions, or don’t like talking about how they feel, or don’t know how, or believe in expressing it in actions, or whatever?

a) You are subconsciously attracted to that which will destroy you. Moth, meet flame.
b) You are subconsciously afraid of being happy, or don’t think you deserve it or something.
c) You’ve been unlucky. Your sample size is small.
d) Your expectations are too high. You are a bottomless pit for affection and will never be satisfied.
e) They are all like that. Give up now.
f) I do not care. Stop whinging.
g) All of the above.

The Boy is my best friend in Mexico. He is my confidante, the one I really trust. We talk, we laugh, we enjoy each other’s company. What I want – what I should want – is friendship, a real friendship that will last after I leave here. He is supremely undemonstrative and private, and I am trying very hard to deal with my doubts and demons and believe in our friendship. I am crossing my fingers and hoping that we’re more than just friends of circumstance, that I matter enough for something to survive the ravages of time and distance.

That’s what I want. But finding out he has a girlfriend hurts like a knife through the heart.