That's Miss Bitch to you

So I just - finally - sent off my application for the unimaginably awesome dream job that I will never get. It seems to have taken days and days and a ridiculous amount of my life force. It's the best application I've ever written, so far, and it's painfully awful at the same time.

Oddly, for me, I am also at the moment a little involved with the other side of the process. We are currently advertising for an intern to do my old job, and the applications are trickling in. My boss on holiday and my email address is in his away message, so a few of the queries and applications are coming to me.

And I am terrifyingly judgemental about them - terrifying because I imagine unknown others taking a similar line with my applications. But, I feel quite justified in mentally spiking people who just don't cut the mustard. And it is, in a way, comforting: my applications might not be perfect, but I put time into them bother to send each employer what they're asking for, and in general, I hope, don't come across as an idiot from the word go.

It is sorely tempting to send these poor lost souls some advice...

• Your fancy CV design is poncy and unreadable. Random jargon does not endear you to me. But I could overlook all this if you had not sent me a completely generic cover letter, dated three months ago, banging on about your experience in a completely unrelated sector (honestly, imagine the least relevant thing to agriculture and you're probably there). You obviously don't want the job so I doubt you're bothered by my automatically shuffling you onto my mental reject pile. But you might want to reconsider that scattergun approach. It just wastes everyone's time, since the overwhelming majority of people won't even think about employing you if you don't show some rudimentary interest in the actual job they're offering. You are an idiot.
  
• You seem quite sweet, but if you send me an email saying you're interested in the job as advertised on our website and look forward to hearing from me, without making any attempt to actually apply for it (i.e. not so much as hinting at the covering letter, CV and writing samples we asked for)... well, I'll send you a nice email back suggesting that you do so. And I'll think you're an idiot.
  
• If you send me a bald, less-than-one-line email, not expressing your interest in the job but just asking how much you'll get paid... well, it's a fair question and you're not on the spike yet, but I already dislike you. You're kind of an idiot.

Come to think of it, I love these people. Being a bitch, the perfect way to feel better about yourself... w00t! Let's hope I get more tomorrow...

[Alternative entry: "Karma, please come and bite me on the arse, I need a few more things for which to reproach myself".]